thisisstuttering

The first teaser trailer for thisisstuttering is here! Take a look below:

This is a project that has been in the works for months (or if you want to get specific, 22 years). thisisstuttering deals directly with my own speech impediment, a stutter that has plagued me for years. The film documents that progress made during the summer of 2012 as I went through another round of speech therapy.

We’ve been working on it a while, the content is not new. I’ve seen it all, been editing it, talking about it, working through it. We produced this teaser and it turned out great. I was excited to release it. And then the moment came to make it public. I released the teaser and shared it on facebook, and then IT HAPPENED. At the moment, I became mentally disheveled. I could never have expected what happened and I will attempt to explain it through words. When a person “suffers” from a speech impediment, the automatic instinct is to hide it, to mask it, to deal with it any way possible to prevent people from noticing. We stutterers develop habits to get around certain words, to push through blocks, to avoid potentially dangerous situations. Since I was a kid, I decided I would not let my stutter control me, I would not let it stop me from doing what I wanted to do. Obviously, having a stutter made things difficult, but I tried to push through as best I could. Nevertheless, I never introduced myself as a stutterer, I never associated myself with the problem. People would notice when they noticed and I didn’t point it out.

When I released this teaser, a made a MASSIVE realization: I am letting the entire world know I have a stutter, a quality of myself I have been trying to hide with all my might for 18+ years. Unreal. I flipped out, I had to play drums real real loud for a long long time. I laid on the ground. I sighed a whole bunch. My heart was beating nonstop for 3+ hours. And the weirdest part about it was it was COMPLETELY unexpected. Even in the moment of realization, I feel like it was my subconscious freaking out. There are so many complex intricacies to this speech impediment that have formed my character and who I am today, many of which I have never processed. The release of this teaser is the beginning of the process of process.

I don’t know if my words do the feeling justice. No idea.

When the teaser was made public, I immediately headed to facebook to tell the world. The responses shocked me:

I can’t explain the significance of these comments. The response to this project has been simply unbelievable, I’m overwhelmed. The fact so many people are intrigued/interested/curious/loving a topic that is socially so frustrating/confusing/embarrassing/mocked is INCREDIBLE.

I only have one thing to say: I can honestly say I do not have a clue what is going to happen with thisisstuttering. It feels like a volcano getting ready to erupt, it’s impossible to know how wide an impact this is going to make. I’m immensely excited and dangerously frightened to see this film take shape.